Breaking all the Rules
by weerdo5255
Summary: Artemis breaks the Rules on a daily basis Why not break a few more? Innuendo and satire prevalent! Take it or ban it!
1. Chapter 1

**Fowl Manner July 7 2011**

"Foaly what happened!" Yelled Artemis as his hands flew over his power book keyboard. Typing in commands so quickly that Holly who was standing behind his extravagant, _leather _seat could barely see his hands moving.

"I'm not sure, it looks like someone hacked the system!"

Artemis rolled his eyes. "Well obviously! D'arvit what is going on!" Artemis cursed.

The two genius's worked silently for a moment until Holly annoyed at being left out of the loop poked Artemis between the shoulder blades. "Artemis what is going on?"

Artemis glanced up at her "Their seems to have been a data breach on both my private network as well as the LEP database. Both occurred at the same time and seem to be originating from the same location." Explained Artemis, pointing at his screen showing both the manner and Haven below it flashing red, in cartoon like bouncing graphics.

Artemis groaned, he had developed this program specifically to help him explain technical details to Holly, Mulch, and Butler. It could display and simulate everything from a star supernova to the intricacies of an electronic circuit. Obviously someone, probably the twins had tweaked its realism settings.

Holly raised an eyebrow but ignored the obvious question instead settling on the more important one. "What's the hacker doing?"

Artemis frowned his pianist fingers still flying across the keyboard. "I'm not sure, but it looks like their going after certain segments of data. Is that what you see going on Foaly?" Asked Artemis looking up at the plasma screen where the centaur's face was being displayed in epic proportions, aluminum hat and all.

He nodded. "Yes, but they're going after the personal files nothing critical. Odd"

"Same here, they, uh the same thing is happening here Foaly." Said Artemis his cheeks reddening.

Holly looked at him perplexed to his reaction but the window the annoying Mud Man had on his screen a moment ago was already gone.

"wait I got it, here they -" Foaly was cut off the entire room fell silent and the screen in front of Artemis went dead.

A quick D'arvit along with several human profanities spewed from Artemis's mouth "What now!" he seethed.

The screen started back up a moment latter and the face's of a pixie and half pixie filled it.

"Opal!" growled both Artemis and Holly in unison.

The two crazed pixies laughed, the tinkling laugh of the full pixie mixing cruelly with her half human counterpart.

"Hello Fowl, Short. How are the two of you?" asked the younger pixie.

"Opal, what do you want now?" asked Artemis with an air of nonchalance, he was actually only mildly annoyed with her are this point, their were after all only so many times a person no matter how crazy could be threatening. He had watched several cartoons with the Twins and he found that the repartition of a single villain tired quickly turning them into something of an annoying comic. Like Opal.

"Oh no large plan's for now Fowl, just a little revenge." said the older half human Opal.

"We decided that your **Critics **as a **United **force and being **A Big Fan of Most **of your **Things**. We should show Holly something rather interesting that we found." said the Opal's in unison.

Artemis paled at heir threat, barely noticing their odd phrasing.

"Opal! Don't.. I'll give you whatever you want, a ton of gold, a horribly written last chapter to my life, the eternity code, just don't do that!" Said Artemis nearly begging with his nemesis.

Holly frowned at Artemis as the Opal's laughed again.

"What don't you want me to see Fowl?" asked Holly, her voice hard.

Artemis swallowed nervously and glanced between the crazed pixies and Holly's glare trying to decide which was more of a threat.

"Look at all of this Holly." said the younger Opal giggling.

The Plasma screen in Artemis's room lit up with dozens of lines of text which Holly ignoring the Irish man's protests began to read.

Artemis watched in terror as she did so, even the Opal's quieted down to watch the Major.

Holly's eyes ran through the words, _heaving breasts, large, be careful Artemis, Lust, thrusts, Vampire grins. _

The room was now deathly quite, not even breathing could be heard. The only change was the blushing of Artemis's face and Holly's ears.

"We'll leave the two of you at it then." Said the older Opal, as she cut the connection, preparing their own little package of revenge for Foaly.

"Artemis." Said Holly her voice quivering, with what Artemis could not identify. "What is all of this?"

Artemis looked away from her, waiting to receive quite a few blows to the head. "My uh, writing.." he said softly. Should he call for Butler? Was Holly finally going to have a reason to kill him?

"All of this is yours?" Asked Holly waving her hand at the hundreds of pages.

Artemis shrugged. "I had a little help."

Holly flew at the Mud Man.

Butler guffawed as the sounds of anger in Artemis's room changed from those of anger to lust, he had seen the tail end of Opal's little plan but it had quite obviously backfired if the sounds coming from the room were any indication.

With a sigh the bodyguard walked down the hallway and calmly stretched his right arm threw a punch forward breaking down the fourth wall. The readers at home real back in shock at the intrusion and freezing at the sight of Butler starring them down whimper slightly in fear.

"Not breaking any rules am I?" Asks Butler gruffly.

The terrified reader shakes their head.

"Pity, where's the fun if you don't break a few rules."

The reader gulps and regrets not having given their lawyer a Will.

"Artemis has never followed the rules, and look what it got him." explains Butler pointing back at his charges room where the shouting has only grown louder.

"Now that's a good ending right?" asks Butler, leaving the reader no illusion in their choice.

"_Stay back human you have no idea what you're dealing with." _


	2. Chapter 2

**Fowl Manner July 12 2012 **

Artemis and Holly stumbled out of his suite the next morning, her hair frazzled and unkempt spreading out in glorious waves and whirls down the back of Artemis's dress shirt that she was wearing. It was the only thing that she was wearing and the simple act of dawning it had stopped any arguments from Artemis about her lack of decorum. Walking stiffly down the hallway (Artemis was most definitely a Mud Man now) she clawed her way towards the scent of coffee that was wafting through the house. She was already wide awake, Artemis making sure that they had both exercised vigorously before they left his room to face the outside world. But even that and her magic could not fight off the caffeine cravings running through her head.

Artemis was rather disheveled himself, which equated to him actually dressing like a normal person for once. Holly had at the scent of the coffee only bothered to pull on his dress shirt from the night before and unwilling to leave her side for even a second Artemis only managed to pull on his pants and a plain white undershirt.

Butler grinned as the two made their way into kitchen.

"Holly I had no idea you would be spending the night." said the manservant feigning ignorance.

Holly growled at him. "Where's the coffee?"

Butler held up a china mug the aroma of the expensive above ground brew cruelly wafting towards her.

"Did you not get any sleep? You look as if you were attacked in the night." said Butler noticing the crescent shaped bruises around her neck and swollen lips.

Holly growled again unwilling to take any more ribbing until she had coffee.

Laughing Butler lowered the mug to her level, grabbing at it Holly downed the human sized portion of hot liquid, not caring that a few magical sparks jumped up to heal the burn in the back of her throat as well as her slightly worn out vocal cords. She directed the sparks to avoid her skin however, deciding to wear those marks for now.

"Damn, who won the bet then?" Asked a gravely tone from the small table in the kitchen.

Holly whipped around to glare at the source and even Artemis raised an eyebrow at the visitor.

"I believe Grub won, he bet on this month July of 2012" said Butler ignoring the outraged glare from the new couple.

"See why couldn't you two have done this a month earlier, help out a friend." asked Mulch thinking of the amount of money that had been on this particular bet. He had even thrown in some of his own money, making it the first time he had spent any gold in over a year!

Holly threw her mug at the dwarf aiming for his head.

Mulch yawned and opening his cavernous mouth chomped down on the fired clay.

"Hmm, bit dry. "said the dwarf. "tasty though."

"You participated in a gambling pool on Holly's and my own affection Butler?" asked Artemis scandalized as Holly stalked towards the dwarf murder in her mismatched eyes.

Butler shrugged "It was best to know who might try to manipulate the results on any particular month."

Artemis frowned "What month did you bet on?"

"May 2014"

"That long? You have no confidence in me" said Artemis wounded.

"SEE HE WAS IN ON IT GET HIM!" yelled Mulch as Holly\'s fists continued to fly at him. Dwarfs were one of natures toughest creatures they did after all survive cave ins and the pressure of tons of rock while digging, but Holly\'s well placed attacks still hurt.

Holly paused eying Butler " I don't have any weapons on me right now Mulch, and I have sneaking suspicion you started this bet! So your the target for now!"

"Nope wasn't him who started it." said Foaly appearing on the tiny television in the kitchen.

Holly froze for a moment looking over at Foaly, loosening her grip enough for Mulch to wiggle free out of her grip. Staggering away from her the dwarf ran into the pantry and slammed the door, hiding from the crazy elf.

"Who was it?" asked Artemis curious as to had started such a profane bet.

"Trouble." Said Foaly laughing.

"Trouble? TROUBLE STARTED THE BET?" screamed Holly, and Artemis winced, this was not the type of yelling he wished to hear at full volume.

"I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!" vowed Holly fuming as she ran through the possibilities in her head.

* * *

Below Ireland in the Lower Elements Trouble Kelp the LEP Commander shuddered and glanced nervously around his office. Something was very very wrong. Searching he spots the reader standing in a corner of the room with an evil grin on their face.

"D'arvit what the hell did I do?" asks the Commander nervously.

The reader laughs.

Their are just some people that you don't want to piss off.


End file.
